What keeps coming to mind is this…rehearsing the end before you’re in it will not soften or help the loss when you are.
I wouldn’t have, and didn’t, know that before I actually lost Steve. Then I knew.
This may be different for other people, but preemptive grief wasn’t a thing for me. I’m glad because as you said, it would have just held me back from loving fully.
Dive in! Be all there! Somehow, and I don’t understand how this works at all, but somehow you’ll have what you need to survive when and if you need it.
Oh Carol, I love you so much! I love the image of you loving Steve with your whole heart in every moment. There's such a beautiful grace in that, from you, and for you - and from and for him too.
Jesie. I read it… and then listened to the audio. And even though it wasn’t your voice, somehow hearing it spoken aloud made it cut even deeper. Like the words landed in a different part of me. Slower. Heavier. I don’t even know how to explain it...just that it stayed with me.
This piece is honestly one of the most vulnerable, breathtaking things I’ve read. That line, “A love like that doesn’t let you survive it without taking all of you”—I had to stop everything after that. You somehow gave language to a feeling I didn’t know I was carrying.
You write like someone who knows. Like really knows. And I swear if you don’t write a book soon, I’m gonna start printing these posts and selling bootleg copies just to get people to read your magic.
I love you. I’m in awe of you. And I hate you a little for how deep this made me feel.
I love you and am in awe of you! Here's what's wild. The souls that walk into my office (and my life) are the gateway to my knowing. I have this supremely privileged work of being able to sit soul to soul with you brave beings and our hearts just double and triple, and quadruple. So we're really just seeing love in each other reflected back - and that feels so familiar. Love love love you. Also, if you sell bootleg versions, please make sure the picture of me you use is a great one, and give me at least half the proceeds.
That is the most real thing I’ve read from you yet, and one of the most from anyone in quite awhile. So relatable to me, so revealing. Thank you for going there in your writing and in your relationship.
I read this the day before I'm leaving for my solo trip, though solo would not have been my choice. I always said David and I were young and dumb when we said, "I do" and it never occurred to me to not be all in. But then, I wasn't in your line of work.
Good for you to stop rationing. The only thing that will do is add regret to your grief-the grief that will come whether you hold back your love, or let it all loose.
Not having David to call when I am afraid makes me feel so alone. But, I'm so glad we were young and dumb and all in. The dance we shared was beautiful and worth the pain I never thought to imagine.
Oh Karen, Thank you for sharing this - it’s so tender and wise. The love you and David share shines through your words, and your willingness to be all in is something I deeply admire. And seeing his love through you is such an incredible gift.
Grief does come either way, as you said, and your story is such a powerful reminder that love is always worth the risk. Wishing you steadiness as you travel, I’ll be thinking of you with so much love. ❤️
Good heavens, Jesie. I feel like I'm looking into the depths of your beautiful soul and I am at a loss for words.
"But I know I can’t keep living like I’m losing it, because it’s keeping me from drowning in the love I need to let overtake me." "So I’m learning...to stop rationing the love that’s already here."
I hope one day to be as beautifully articulate and vulnerable as you. And in the meantime I take courage from your writing to continue falteringly penning the words that come timorously from my heart.
Sending more love for you to drown in. May you be swallowed whole and find that you are never alone.
Oh Gwendolyn, what a kind and beautiful offering. I love how you show up here, and your writing, even in these comments are such honey. Thank you for your love, and may we drown in it all together! :)
Oh my.
I have read and reread this post this morning.
There’s so much in it.
What keeps coming to mind is this…rehearsing the end before you’re in it will not soften or help the loss when you are.
I wouldn’t have, and didn’t, know that before I actually lost Steve. Then I knew.
This may be different for other people, but preemptive grief wasn’t a thing for me. I’m glad because as you said, it would have just held me back from loving fully.
Dive in! Be all there! Somehow, and I don’t understand how this works at all, but somehow you’ll have what you need to survive when and if you need it.
Love you.
Oh Carol, I love you so much! I love the image of you loving Steve with your whole heart in every moment. There's such a beautiful grace in that, from you, and for you - and from and for him too.
Jesie. I read it… and then listened to the audio. And even though it wasn’t your voice, somehow hearing it spoken aloud made it cut even deeper. Like the words landed in a different part of me. Slower. Heavier. I don’t even know how to explain it...just that it stayed with me.
This piece is honestly one of the most vulnerable, breathtaking things I’ve read. That line, “A love like that doesn’t let you survive it without taking all of you”—I had to stop everything after that. You somehow gave language to a feeling I didn’t know I was carrying.
You write like someone who knows. Like really knows. And I swear if you don’t write a book soon, I’m gonna start printing these posts and selling bootleg copies just to get people to read your magic.
I love you. I’m in awe of you. And I hate you a little for how deep this made me feel.
<3
I love you and am in awe of you! Here's what's wild. The souls that walk into my office (and my life) are the gateway to my knowing. I have this supremely privileged work of being able to sit soul to soul with you brave beings and our hearts just double and triple, and quadruple. So we're really just seeing love in each other reflected back - and that feels so familiar. Love love love you. Also, if you sell bootleg versions, please make sure the picture of me you use is a great one, and give me at least half the proceeds.
I'm not crying, you're crying 😭
We’re all crying! 😭😂
That is the most real thing I’ve read from you yet, and one of the most from anyone in quite awhile. So relatable to me, so revealing. Thank you for going there in your writing and in your relationship.
Thank you, Brian. I know you’re a man of few words, but when you use them, they matter, so I really appreciate this.
I read this the day before I'm leaving for my solo trip, though solo would not have been my choice. I always said David and I were young and dumb when we said, "I do" and it never occurred to me to not be all in. But then, I wasn't in your line of work.
Good for you to stop rationing. The only thing that will do is add regret to your grief-the grief that will come whether you hold back your love, or let it all loose.
Not having David to call when I am afraid makes me feel so alone. But, I'm so glad we were young and dumb and all in. The dance we shared was beautiful and worth the pain I never thought to imagine.
Oh Karen, Thank you for sharing this - it’s so tender and wise. The love you and David share shines through your words, and your willingness to be all in is something I deeply admire. And seeing his love through you is such an incredible gift.
Grief does come either way, as you said, and your story is such a powerful reminder that love is always worth the risk. Wishing you steadiness as you travel, I’ll be thinking of you with so much love. ❤️
I can feel the depth of emotion in this one throughout 🩷 love you - thanks for always sharing you with us all.
Thank YOU, Markie, for being here with me. I love you so.
Good heavens, Jesie. I feel like I'm looking into the depths of your beautiful soul and I am at a loss for words.
"But I know I can’t keep living like I’m losing it, because it’s keeping me from drowning in the love I need to let overtake me." "So I’m learning...to stop rationing the love that’s already here."
I hope one day to be as beautifully articulate and vulnerable as you. And in the meantime I take courage from your writing to continue falteringly penning the words that come timorously from my heart.
Sending more love for you to drown in. May you be swallowed whole and find that you are never alone.
Oh Gwendolyn, what a kind and beautiful offering. I love how you show up here, and your writing, even in these comments are such honey. Thank you for your love, and may we drown in it all together! :)