Romancing the Inner Life

I am my greatest lover

I was 19 or 20 the first time I took myself on a date. I grabbed a book I loved, just in case I needed to escape into it, and sat down to dinner at a restaurant. I ate slowly, mindfully. I was intoxicated with the feeling.

I was so intoxicated with the feeling that only a few days later I took myself to a movie. This led to more outings, the art museum, spontaneous lunches, trips to Denver, or Boulder, and eventually a solo trip to California.

I first felt the urge reading Julia Cameron’s work and her invitation to “Artist’s Dates.” Outings you take your artist self on to get to know them better. What this unlocked for me has been a couple of decades long love affair with myself and my own inner life. What began as a shy experiment became a long, unfolding courtship with myself - one that’s still deepening.

I talked with a wise, beautiful, and adventurous soul recently about how she too was navigating this. We joked about how a potential partner would have to be an upgrade from singleness in order to feel worthwhile to her.

I love this perspective, because often we find ourselves looking for “our other half” to complete us, instead of standing in our own wholeness and then magnetizing to someone else who’s doing the same. And isn’t it an incredible difference to be thought of as “with one’s self” instead of “alone?”

Sunset at Fiscalini Ranch Preserve, Cambria 2017

I love being with those people on my life that feel like peace and ease. But there is something so substantial about this relationship I have with myself. I love my own company. I mean I truly, deeply, love spending time with myself.

It’s not about separating from my relationships, it’s about staying rooted in the self that entered into those relationships.

This infatuation with - and love for - myself; is an act of sovereignty. A deep kind of listening. To the deepest self, my wellspring of knowing, intuition, and instinct.

This intentional time brings a sense of novelty, attention, and intention in nurturing your relationship with yourself. To learn about our preferences, limits, rhythms, and dreams.

And the really amazingly beautiful thing about this sacred kind of solitude and courtship is that it prepares us better than anything else I can name, to show up in our relationships with eyes clear, heart forward, rooted, steady, and aware of who we are and who we aren’t. And when we know this self so intimately, we know who we are bringing to the relationship.

This concept of dating the self has come up with a handful of clients lately, as well as friends. I also think it’s emerging again for me now because I’m about to take that same solo trip to Cambria, California I did in 2017. Except it won’t be me, it will be me and the version of myself I’ve become in the last eight years. I’ll meet her on this trip. I’ll learn more of what she loves now, and how. I’ll see what she’s interested in eating and doing, and how she structures her time. I’ll see what she writes about and how many dogs she stops to pet.

I love her already, and I can’t wait to meet her.

Me and bird, Morro Bay 2017

If this speaks to you, if you’re feeling the nudge to fall a little more in love with yourself, here are some of my favorite ways to begin.

Rituals of Presence:

• Taking yourself on a solo walk with no podcast, just the sound of your footsteps.

• Writing yourself a love letter and reading it out loud. (Bonus if you sit in front of a mirror while you do it.)

• Lighting a candle and setting the table beautifully for a solo meal - even if it’s leftovers. (A client taught me this one, and I LOVE it.)

• Watching the sunrise with your hand on your heart, because the sun rises in you too.

Creative Courtship

• Browsing a bookstore with no agenda, letting yourself be pulled by desire.

• Taking yourself to a matinee or open mic night, something that makes you feel like you’re becoming again.

• Enrolling in a class or workshop just for you, not for productivity, but for joy.¹

• Dressing up for no one but yourself. Putting on the earrings, the scent, the music.

Sensual Tending

• Making a playlist just for your own mood and dancing to it.

• Preparing your body oil or favorite lotion as a sacred practice, not a chore.

• Sitting in the bath or taking a shower and asking yourself, “What do you need to feel held today?”

• Trying a new food or drink you've always been curious about - without needing anyone else's input.

Emotional Intimacy

• Going on a “feeling date”: journaling about your emotional landscape as if you’re getting to know a fascinating new person (because you are).

• Setting a date on your calendar to reflect on how you've changed over the last season. ²

• Spending a few hours unplugged and unplanned. Letting yourself discover what you actually want to do.

• Visiting a place from your past to reconnect with an earlier version of you.

Loving Maintenance

• Booking that long-overdue therapy, Reiki, or bodywork appointment because you're worth the investment.

• Doing something slightly inconvenient only because it brings you peace (like cleaning out your car, or finally getting rid of the clothes that no longer create joy).

• Saying no to plans and yes to rest…without explanation or guilt.

• Taking yourself to your favorite local spot just because you like the energy of the place.

1. I have an idea of an incredible workshop that would fit this one quite nicely. Join me and some other beautiful souls here.

2. I am cooking up the most delicious monthly seasonal offering I plan to launch this summer. Slow, sacred, seasonal, and low-cost! Stay tuned for me.