Do As I Say, Not As I Do

I don't know how to do the thing I teach people to do.

“How do you manage your stress?”

Whenever I’m asked this, a deep pit of shame wells up inside of me, threatening to engulf my organs. “Pretty well!” I lie “I’m a therapist, so, you know, I talk about it all day.”

I even used to give presentations on a college campus about stress management and coping skills. So very cute of me. It wasn’t until recently when I started seeing a physical therapist who specializes in migraines and headaches, along with some well-timed questions from my beloved dietician about my adrenal system and how stressed my body feels that I realized, I am actually pretty bad at managing my own stress. (I type this through clenched teeth and a tight jaw, by the way.)

“Stress is the feeling that occurs when a resource is threatened. Whether real or imagined, when we perceive a threat to our resources, we feel stress. This impact is physical, mental, and emotional” I’ve thought about this often in the last several months as I’ve tried to unlock what is happening for me, specifically around migraines.

It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago the night before a completely overscheduled day. Michael and I talked about some very hard, but very important things, I slept terribly, and I was running about 10 minutes late as soon as I started the day. After my first appointment, my low tire pressure light came on. Then, as I went to my third appointment, I got notice I had to help someone who’d locked themselves out, and the keys I’d need were across town at my house. I pulled into my parents’ driveway, determined to suppress my stress, and then the thing that always makes me lose my composure happened.

My dad walked outside to meet me in their front yard and said “Hey kiddo! How are you?” The floodgates broke and I sobbed. “Awww, what’s wrong?” he asked, letting me smash my face into his shoulder. “I’m just overwhelmed.” “Go inside and sit with your mom. I’ll put air in your tire and we’ll figure everything out.” I walked inside and was met with the same open heart and warm hug from my mother.¹

I sat down and poured my heart out. Telling her every detail of all that ailed me. She nodded, listened, and held it all. “You’re doing too much again, Jesie” she preached. “You have to start prioritizing yourself. But actually being present for when you do it.” It wasn’t the first time I’d heard that advice, but hearing it from my mother—with all her unwavering empathy—made it harder to brush off. 'But actually be present…’ That part lingered.

I do make the appointments for massages, I do go to therapy. I even do a group now! I write. I eat sweet potatoes and drink adrenal cocktails. I take magnesium and I have an ergonomic memory foam pillow!

But all of those things actually fit in around the other ways I outsource my own energy. I slide them in around all the other commitments, or time wastes, if I’m honest. I am rarely the center of my own healing energy.² And that is how I am actually not managing stress well, because I am not regulating how much stress I put myself through. I habitually overestimate my capacity—especially when it comes to my future self.

I’ve come to believe we each have our own ‘Stress Liability’—that one pattern or tendency that turns up the heat on us. Maybe it is underestimating the time something will take and then stressing about urgency. Maybe it’s putting everything off and then planning one terribly busy day. Maybe it’s overpromising so that you can stay in relationship…determined to “be a really good person” when really you need to be a human person.³ Maybe it’s planning each week as if we’re superhuman, or endlessly rearranging priorities to please everyone but ourselves. Whatever form it takes, our 'Stress Liability' has a way of catching up with us.

As I left my parent’s house that day, I felt charged with the mission of finding space for myself, from myself. I want to embody what I teach my clients. That our well-being is paramount, and that there is no better investment than in ourselves. And at the bottom of all of it, we are our number one responsibility.

Best Dad, am I right?

So, next time I’m asked, “How do you manage your stress?” I might just answer, “I’m still figuring it out—but I’m learning to start with myself.”

1. If you are so fortunate to have parents that feel like home, whose soul-casing vaporizes in their presence, hold them so damn close, and extend your hugs at least 7 seconds longer than you think you need to.

2. Here is where it would make sense to remind you to put on your own oxygen mask first, and how it allows us to help people…yada yada…but you know that already.

3. I’m just dropping this here casually, but there is so much more to explore about how our desire to stay “worthy” in relationship often overrides our actual need for adequate care for ourselves.