Study What You Love

What I call "Sacred Collecting™"

Sacred Collecting: A term I created for the work of studying someone and something that you love, so that you may remember and experience them in great detail while understanding that one day you will no longer have them.

When I began my training as a Grief Counselor, I was surprised at how minimal the recommendations for treating anticipatory grief were.

Anticipatory Grief: The grief that occurs before a death or loss happens. This is considered an “ambiguous loss” because the person may still be physically present, but the grief of knowing they are dying or leaving is also present.

I love working with grief because it feels like one of the most unapologetic, yet non-malicious experiences a human heart can have. I often tell my clients, that “Grief comes, and it stays as long as it needs to. Our only job in grief is to be a host and take care of ourselves during Grief’s stay.” It’s an oversimplification of grief, but it feels true to me. As soon as we stop seeing Grief as something to fear, avoid, or even hate, we can come to a respectful truce and get curious about what grief has to offer us. Many have written about the profound beauty of grief, and I am certain you have heard before the idea of grief being an extension of love. I believe that, and what I want to share here is how to work with grief in a way that touches our soul’s remembering.

Sacred Collecting is about how we gather up our Loves in ways we can imprint onto ourselves, install deep into our hearts, remember with needle-like precision, and recall back in any moment we need it.

So what does it mean to study what you love? I once told my therapist about how scared I was to lose my parents. And she, in her effortless, albeit sometimes infuriating truth-telling simply replied “Yes, you will lose them both. And then eventually you’ll be okay.” Have you ever simultaneously, and in equal amounts loved and hated something someone has said to you? That’s how I felt. But she was right. And, I tell my clients the same thing. “Yes, that hard thing will happen…it will probably split you through…and then eventually you will be okay, and you won’t have to walk that alone.”

When I think of eventual and inevitable losses though, I can either dread them, avoid them, try to anxiously *“pre-experience them” through fantasy to desensitize myself, or I can do something different.

*An interesting thing about anticipatory loss is that no matter how much “pre-grieving” you do, it does not decrease how much or how intense your grief post-death will be. Just in case you thought you could get ahead by getting all of your grief out of the way in the anticipatory stage.

Something different I propose is this- Sacred Collecting ™. Yes, I am trade-marking the term, because I am really, deeply proud of the idea and think it has some true healing potential. This practice is to study with love and full presence, and in full awareness of its temporary nature, that which you love. I know Jeffrey will not be here forever. And so instead of dreading his departure, I study him. I study how his ears are brown except that his right ear has a little river of white fur. He has a little pink patch on his otherwise white lips. He has a big brown spot across his right side, and the fur is just ever so slightly a softer texture than the white around it. He can find the one small strip of sunlight coming through any window, and center himself squarely in it to sunbathe. He loves snow but hates rain. He prefers hikes when it’s between 30 and 65 degrees outside, and while he loves Michael and me, his Grandpaw is his very best friend.

To help with my anxiety about loss, I have started studying my parents. The point of my study is twofold: first, to know them with more depth while they are still here, and second, to know where I will find them when they are no longer earthside.

“Where I will find them” means, what moments, textures, smells, experiences, memories, or sensations they live on in, where I will be able to access them, and how inside of myself I will hold them. I’m “collecting” them in ways I will never lose.

I work with grieving clients who are often searching for their loved ones in their loved one’s “things.” They hesitate to donate furniture, clothing, or other possessions for fear that they will lose a connection to their person. I certainly understand that. We want to touch what they have touched and preserve the smell of them. We want to read the handwritten notes in the books they loved, and hold close to us, what they held close to them. This Sacred Collection allows us to experience them in depth. To find moments that allow us to touch and feel their memory. Sometimes that is through an item. Maybe when you wear your dad’s old sweater, you remember how he too, held you with warmth. Maybe when you use your mom’s sauce-stained spoon, you remember all the times she nourished you with food and love.

I have collected my mother in the sensation of being in hot water, like a hot tub or spring, and feeling the opposite chill of the air on my face simultaneously. This sensation of “soaking in hot water amid chilled air” is a sensation she loves, and I know I can find her there. I can find her in every Carly Simon song and will remember just how she’d sing along with it… “you probably think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you…” I’ll find her when I put a tiny bit of yellow mustard in the mashed potatoes. I’ll find her when I bake her banana bread recipe. I’ll find her every time I say “I wonder if…” when asking for something because it’s what she always says. I’ll feel her prayers for me forever, even the ones she covered me with when I still lived inside of her.

Mom, in her favorite place.

Dad, in his favorite place.

I’ll find my dad in aspen trees. I’ll find him in the sound of wind on a hike- his favorite sound, and I’ll know his presence when I walk through the wind like that. I’ll find him in every handwritten card with my nickname “kiddo” scribbled into it. I’ll find him whenever I figure out a DIY project, and whenever I can’t and have to ask for help. I’ll find him whenever I hear the sound of a cricket…a specific noise he could create by whistling through a small gap in his lower teeth before the dentist fixed it. I’ll find him in every puppy, in German food, and every good, love-filled sermon. I’ll find him when I search for perfectly-shaped skipping rocks, or when I hear someone that can whistle powerfully. I’ll find him whenever I look at the way my own forehead wrinkles.

The beauty of Sacred Collecting is that you can do it with someone who has already gone. Can you remember them? Can you picture their face smiling at you? What were moments in life they loved? What made them laugh and what did that laugh sound like? What did their hugs feel like? What do you see or experience in life that makes you say “Gosh, they would love this.” What pains have happened since they left that you wish they knew and could comfort you through? What wisdom would they have offered you through those pains?

If you’d like to explore this idea, I recorded a Sacred Collecting meditation for you to try. It’s short, sweet, and feels very nourishing. Take 10 minutes for yourself, find a comfy spot, and listen here:

I’d love to hear about who you have collected, and how you have collected them. Feel free to share this post with anyone you think could benefit. And, as always, thank you for coming along with me here.

Until next time,

Jesie