How to Choose A Love

Some unsolicited advice on relationships, from yours truly.

When I worked in a university counseling center, I met with many clients in the developmental stage of dating, mating, and trying to navigate what healthy relationships looked and felt like.

I noticed that often times there was a bit of untetheredness to the idea of what made a relationship “good.” And while I couldn’t predict which relationships would last and which wouldn’t, I did pick up on some of the ingredients that often felt pretty healthy to me.

As a side note, I want you to know that if you see a therapist, they are absolutely, 150 percent learning from you and implementing much of your growth into their own life. I say this because I watched beautifully brave young women sit across from me and untie emotional knots of unworthiness, insecurity, and fear. I watched young men try to find ways to be protective and substantial without creating fear or intimidation. I watched them learn to lean into their gentleness and watched as these humans braved saying, and not saying, what they needed from one another. I learned from them and tried my hardest to incorporate that learning into my own choice in Love.

I think some insight from a great couples counselor would be lovely here, but this is my platform, so you’ll have to settle for me today.

Here are some things I often asked my clients when they were trying to navigate the world of dating, and many of them I still ask my clients today.

1. How does your body feel when you’re around this person? Are you tensed, or relaxed, is the sensation pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral?

2. How do you imagine this person describes you to their friends and family? What do you think they say they like or value most about you?

3. If you were in a space that felt unsafe for any reason, how do you think this person would help you access what would help you feel safe or help you leave?

4. What does it feel like to disappoint this person or to be disappointed by them?

5. What is the role of mistakes and apologies in the relationship?

6. What do you value or like most about this person? How do you feel about your answer to that question?

7. Do you feel respected in this relationship? How do you observe it?

8. How do you feel about yourself when you are with them?

9. How do they respond when you tell them they’ve caused hurt in you?

10. Are you interested in who they are now or only who they could become with significant change?

11. What do you love most about yourself and how welcome is that quality in your relationship?

12. And my all-time favorite question. If it got to the point in life where you needed this person to wipe your butt for you, how would they respond?

Michael, who at one point in his life “didn’t want a dog.”

Michael and I were talking recently and each shared “five things we really like about the other” and one of the things he said he likes about me is “how excited I get.” Now, I love that about myself, so when he also delights in my favorite part of myself? Gosh, is that a recipe for a solidly secure connection. When I list these questions, I will obnoxiously admit, I am so deeply, abundantly, and eternally grateful for this gentle man I get to love.

What would you add to this list? Which questions surprised you or made you reflect?