Care Without Carrying

Some rituals I use to sustain my sensitive self.

I’m trying to care without carrying.

I sat at lunch with a friend recently, and as we talked, I glanced at a table nearby. A woman who had just received her order, lifted the edge of her pizza to reveal a burned crust underneath. As she was examining, I too noticed and immediately began “carrying” the difficulty with and for her. I became so concerned about whether she was going to speak up for herself and have her pizza remade, that I didn’t hear what my friend had said. I was “connected” and carrying that thing with someone who hadn’t asked me to carry it. And actually, she didn’t even know I existed, since I was simply watching her from my table instead of minding my own business.

I hadn’t named this as “carrying” instead of “caring” until recently. It immediately made sense to me, illuminating part of why it feels so heavy for me to hear, see, or witness the distress of others. This high sensitivity of mine is simultaneously the bane of, and the backbone of my work as a therapist.

So what does it mean to care without carrying? Well, I’m still trying to find that out. I suspect it includes a considerable amount of trust though. Trust in myself, trust in the Divine, and trust in others to “carry” their own experiences.

I also think it means connecting, but then releasing that connection when it’s time. I asked an energy healer once how I could “make sure that I don’t ever carry my clients with me at the end of the day, and stay healthfully detached during sessions.” He chuckled and told me it was impossible to care or to offer healing without connection.

“Here’s the thing,” he shared with me, “we have to connect at least on some level, for healing to occur. It’s part of being human. What we don’t want is to stay so deeply connected that other people are unintentionally pulling us around through this life with all of their own movements.” He calls these connections “cords.” And I have had some big, thick, juicy cords to people in my life before.

I almost created a cord connection with that sweet pizza lady. Thank goodness I was unsuccessful in that endeavor.

The moon recently, absolutely refusing to let a photograph capture her beauty.

I’m trying to practice new ways of caring without carrying, and I have started with my work. Each day when I get to my office, I “open it up” to the healing that is going to happen there.

I turn on the lamps, I fill the diffuser, I start the music, I open the curtains, I fluff the pillows, I start the sound machines. I invite healing into the space. Recently, I’ve started an opening and closing practice for myself in the space too.

I stand between my chair and the couch, usually holding some smoking palo santo, herbs, or a candle (or this week, some air freshener because my lighter finally ran out of fluid-it’s intention that matters more than technique!) and I say the following blessing:

“May I create the cords needed for healing, and may they be effortless to sever at the end of the day.”

And then at the end of the day, I stand in front of my chair and call back to my mind each client I saw that day, and I imagine severing our cord. Then I imagine what I wish I could give them between our sessions. Something like “May she go with peace through this week” or “Let her be brave this week.” It’s different for each client and allows me to honor the needed connection we made for the healing work we do, while also releasing that, and trusting them to care for and carry themselves until I see them next.

I’ve noticed a significant difference since beginning these rituals. Not only does creating these opening and closing “blessings” help me stay appropriately untethered, but it also honors the work that is happening in healing the relationship. It gives name to and holds sacred the connection that happens with clients. This allows me to more fully connect to Michael and Jeffrey once I get home, and it helps me get clear on the connection I have with myself too. And that connection with self, is how we all sustain our work, no matter what that work is. I invite you to try an opening and closing ritual to your day, regardless of whether or not you do healing/helping work. Can you imagine some ways you could open your day with intention and then release the day when it’s done?

My next feat will be finding out how to let someone eat their burnt pizza in peace if they so choose. I’ll let you know if I ever become that untethered and enlightened.