Accidental Mean Girl

A provocative take on my self-preservation.

I was called a “mean girl” once by someone with whom I did not want to be friends. She didn’t call me that to my face, but she told others, with whom I did want to be friends, that I was a “mean girl.” Then they told me, because.…they were my friends.

This isn’t meant to be a gossip column, but I do think I’d be really good at that. I am an expert Ear Hustler, anytime, any place. I will get you the tea.

I share this because I want to talk about what it’s like to be yourself and to let people adjust. Even if that means they will portray you in a way that feels untrue.

My parents tell a story about when I was little, if another kid asked to play with whatever I was playing with, I would just hand it over. I had to be taught how to stand my ground, prioritize myself, and say “no.” That took me a long time to learn, and it has ruffled many a feather since I learned it.

Part of that learning for me has included becoming more selective. Selective in how I spend my time, selective in how I spend my energy, and selective in how I give of myself. And most importantly, selective in whom I give myself to. More selective because I’m important to me, not because I think I am more important than anyone else.

This branding of me as a “mean girl” came because I was unwilling, uninterested, and unavailable for a friendship. I didn’t say that directly, and instead politely declined invites and limited my interactions.

And as you read that last paragraph, just notice how you feel about it. Does it read as cold to you? Does it feel like I’m breaking a rule? If you are another woman reading this, are you able to feel how conditioned we are to be willing to give of ourselves relationally to whoever asks for a piece of us?

I think this is a social grey area for many of us, and I wish it wasn’t because it gets a lot of feelings hurt. At the core of it, I think is a confused sense of what we are entitled to relationally. We are not entitled to friendship with another person. We can ask for it, invite, suggest it, cultivate, and nurture it, but we are not owed it, and we do not owe it to anyone we don’t want to have it.

Before I sound like a total asshole, let me be clear- I believe as humans we all deserve community, collective care, and belonging. Relationships we want, and where we are wanted in return. And it is also our responsibility to preserve ourselves, advocate for our needs, and assert our boundaries.

My “no” to relationships that don’t feel right to me-for whatever reason, is part of how I preserve myself. It’s also how I hone and honor my own intuition. I think you do this too, you just might not be as overt about it. Yes, I’m talking to you. The one who says “I’d love to get together” knowing damn well you surely do not want to do that.

I think by “mean girl” she meant “woman who is breaking rules that I don’t quite understand and setting limits I haven’t experienced before.” And I wish she’d just said that instead.

I’ve fought really hard for my own sense of self. For my own boundaries and limits. To understand the bandwidth of my sensitivity and my social battery. And when I’m in, I’m all the way in. And part of my self-preservation practice is that I don’t have to be all in with everyone. And by being myself and letting them adjust, it cultivates intuition and trust in me, and also frees us all to find the people who we’re really meant to be in community with.

My invitation then: Be you. Care for you. Let them adjust. Be a good friend to your friends. Be honest to your acquaintances. Try not to worry much about the label it gets.